In this post: The title says it all - read this book before every difficult conversation you have! The mindset shifts this book provides are worth the read (and rereads). It's principles can be applied to any situation - probably my most favorite practical reads yet.
Category: Learn Something New
Ramiah Recommended?
Yes!
This has been one of the most practical books I have ever read. It has easy-to-follow guides on how to have difficult conversations, with realistic scenarios written throughout.
From conversations with relationship partners to relatives to managers or landlords, this book covers the gamut.
I actually workshopped some of the scenario conversations with my small book club of friends and, though it felt silly at the time, we all saw the value in it. I also used some of the tips during arguments with my boyfriend at the time and it helped us both listen more to what the other person was saying.
The book is not meant to be a band-aid or a one-size-fits-all approach. It is a great foundation to open both parties to conversations that would not otherwise progress due to fear, anger, shame, or other powerful emotions that inhibit the logical reasoning abilities we all have.
One of the most useful lessons I took from the book was the approach to "And" statements.
Ever heard of a compliment sandwich? For anyone who hasn't, it's when someone gives someone a compliment, throws in criticism, and then ends the overall statement on a compliment. For example: "I really like your style. I don't think what you wore was appropriate for the party today. But you still look nice on most days."
The recipient of the feedback (or anyone in earshot, really) would hear the whole statement but the focus would be drawn to the criticism in the middle. If you could not already tell, the compliment sandwich is not an effective means for feedback. I think the crux on which that finding is true is the 'but' that most compliment sandwiches contain. It essentially undermines everything else that was said up to that point. It's what the recipient remembers: 'But'.
That's where 'And' statements come in. Instead of the juxtaposition (*cough* hypocrisy *cough*) that 'but' statements give, "And" statements allow all statements or elements of the feedback to be true at the same time. In the same example: "I really like your style. I don't think what you wore was appropriate for the party today. [And] I still think you look nice on most days."
Speaking for myself, it can be hard to put in "and" instead of "but" and feel like it isn't awkward. However, if I take out that bracketed 'and' above, the effect is still the same - all statements of the feedback exist truthfully and simultaneously.
That alone was an epiphanic moment from the reading for me.
On another note, I truly appreciate the authors' understanding tone toward the difficulty of receiving and especially practicing these ideas. Many of the principles in this book will challenge the readers' learned behavior or habits in a conversation. For example if someone is used to finding who is to blame for the argument, the authors provide a solution, and things ahead by addressing any reservations the reader may have:
Seeking to understand the contribution system rather than focusing on blame doesn’t mean putting aside strong emotions. Quite the contrary. As you and the other person look at how you have each contributed to the problem, sharing your feelings is essential (pg 60).
This foresight, coupled with reassurances that changing one's behavior is possible gave me huge relief as a reader! It also made me determined to try and implement these principles as soon as possible.
So, what are we waiting for?
(I also recommend reading the forward by Roger Fisher - you can read my review of his most popular book, Getting to Yes, here!)
Ramiah Reflects
My New Favorite Life Quotes:
"Simply by changing your own behavior, you gain at least some influence over the problem."
"The heart of good listening is authenticity"'
"Speak fully the range of your experience and you will be clear. Speak for yourself and you can speak with power."
Questions to Ask Yourself (and answer!):
What is influencing my view?
What implicit rules are important to (the other person)?
(In arguments)
What are they contributing?
What am I contributing?
Who else is involved?
How did your family handle emotions? Which feelings were easily discussed, and which did people pretend weren’t there? What was your role in the emotional life of the family? What emotions do you now find it easy to acknowledge and express, and with whom? Which do you find more difficult?
What information do they see that we missed or don’t have access to? What past experiences influence them? What is their reasoning for why they did what they did? What were their intentions? How did our actions why they did what they did? What were their intentions? How did our actions impact them? What do they think we are contributing to the problem? What are they feeling? What does this situation mean to them? How does it affect their identity? What’s at stake?
Food for Thought:
Have you been conditioned away from saying how you feel? Page 91 showcases the power in telling our own story, but my friends and I discussed how we have (at different times in our lives) been discouraged from sharing how we feel in situations and that this can be hard to grapple. Especially in a professional context, bringing up one's feelings has been considered inappropriate. Where do you land on sharing your feelings?
"Attributions, judgments, and accusations aren’t feelings."
Ramiah's Re-read When
Re-read when:
You are having any difficult conversation
You have to share bad news
You are trying to articulate your emotions or perspective
You need to ask for the other party's emotions or perspective
You need ideas for questions to revoke self-reflection or your contribution to an issue
See below for my book notes:
Check out my other posts and book notes here.
Until next time!
Montana Houston
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