In this post: A book that stresses me out by how much it CALLS ME OUT. A truly necessary read to focus your mind and your ambition, but it may change your life like it did mine.
Category: Adulting; Finding Yourself + Post College
Ramiah Recommended?
Yes. But oh my gosh, please read with caution.
Yet another book that was on every single new grad recommending reading list. This book has been my most quoted one of 2020 and to date. I can't tell you how many times I have shared with my sisters that 35 is the cut-off age, by large, to have children with the healthiest reproductive eggs.
Random way to start off this review, I know. Were you startled by that fact? You're telling me.
Startled is the best way to describe my reaction upon finishing this book. Startled to act. Startled to not act. Just startled across the board.
The reason is that this book speaks with urgency. Take it from the tagline: "Why your twenties matter and how to make the most of them now." MOST. NOW.
To give a high-level synopsis, Dr. Jay recommends not spending too much of one's twenties to 'explore' -- whether that's the world, who they want to be, etc. -- and to instead make strides toward the things they really want to accomplish in their life so that this period in our lives known as the twenties (which is the source of our second and last major growth spurt in our life, akin to the first few years of our life) is most effective.
It's not so much a how-to-guide as a presentation of research with some anecdotes from clients sprinkled in. That being said, I took as much value as I did from other adulting books, such as Adulting or A Girl's Guide.
If you grew up around people, or (like me) reading/watching media that showed people, taking the twenties to work side gigs, travel, and figure themselves out because they're so young, this could be... I daresay, startling.
It was for me.
When I was reading this book around January 2020, and even now, I had just come to grips that I wasn't sure about what I wanted to do with my life. Career-wise, legacy-wise, you name it. This was... yep, startling... for me because I've been a planner for as long as I could remember. I'm the person to have a 3-5 year plan mapped out. I make to-do lists for everything. I'm a planner.
Reading this book, with the sense of urgency that it has, was like a dream that became a nightmare, but I didn't realize it was a nightmare until too late. I still linger on certain facts and statistics from this book because it is so relevant and important to what I am going through right now, but man, does it fill me up with fear.
This book put a fire under me. It made me pretty confident with my years-long temptation to devote myself to the law school admissions process, to work on branding myself, and start thinking (even more seriously) about my future. It also made me incredibly insecure and fearful that any fleeting doubt I had about the career path I was on could end in my aimlessness during this decade that 'matters'.
The cautionary tale in The Defining Decade is to not explore too long, to not wait too long before settling down on one's personal ambitions and goals simply because one wants to be young. To be fair, the caricatures Dr. Jay pulls from to demonstrate what not to do were what I would consider extremes: a barista who never had a full-time job because she's trying to make it as an actress, a guy who lives with his parents because he's still trying to figure it all out, etc. Sure, there are people in the 20s age group who fit those descriptions, but to base an entire theory about 20-somethings on those archetypes is a stretch.
All this being said, I'm going to reread this book. And to signal how big of a deal that is for me, I can't tell you the last time I did reread a book. My attitude is, like with rewatching shows, the time I spend rereading a book is time that could be spent reading a new book for the first time.
I feel, however, that as much as I took to The Defining Decade's content like a moth to a flame, I almost exclusively remember the criticism and heavy heart with which I closed the book. I wonder if reading it again would give me a new perspective of where I am in life right now.
Stay tuned, Reminders.
Ramiah Reflects
My New Favorite Life Quotes:
"The urban tribe may bring us soup when we are sick, but it is the people we hardly know - those who never make it into our tribe - who will swiftly and dramatically change our lives for the better." Meg Jay, PhD
"If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult since we think them happier than they are." - Charles de Montesquieu, writer/philosopher
"I am who I am because of how I am different from those around me. There is a point to my life because it cannot be carried out in exactly the same way by any other person." Meg Jay, PhD
"Being against something is easy. What are you for?." Meg Jay, PhD
"Claiming a career or getting a good job isn't the end; it's the beginning. And, then, there is still a lot more to know and a lot more to do." Meg Jay, PhD
"Inaction breeds fear and doubt. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy" - Dale Carnegie, writer and lecturer
Questions to Ask Yourself (and answer!):
What would you be doing with your life if you didn't win the lottery?
What might you be able to do well enough to support the life you want?
What might you enjoy enough that you won't mind working at it in some form or another for years to come?
What are your gifts?
What are your limitations?
Is this what you really want to do or what you feel you should do?
What are your interests?
What are your talents?
How does what you did before relate to what you want to do now, and how might that get you to what you want to do next?
Food for Thought:
"Twentysomethings who take the time to explore and also have the nerve to make commitments along the way construct stronger identities." (pg 7)
Ramiah's Re-read When
Re-read when:
You need a fire of ambition lit in you
You need quotes to urge yourself and others you know around the 20s being such an impactful age
You want to think about your life a few years in advance
See below for my book notes:
Check out my other posts and book notes here.
Until next time!
Montana Houston
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