In this post: Though it contains strong commentary around socialization, The Four Agreements lacks the nuance that would allow broad applicability of its principles. The author drives practical readers away. This is a book of abstract values, not a life guide as it proclaims.
Category: Thinking
Ramiah Recommended?
No. But just because this isn't the book for me, it doesn't mean it's not the book for you. Nearly 40,000 people on Amazon, worldwide, have reviewed this book, and ultimately it averaged 4.5 stars. Clearly, it enlightened a lot of people. Let me tell you why I'm not one of them...
To preface, if you've been following my other posts thus far, you'll notice a pattern: I am a practical person who likes facts and feasible applicability from the book to my life. I love how-to-guides (hence the method I am learning how to crochet) and things based on peer-reviewed research. This book had none of that.
Don Miguel Ruiz walks us through 'agreements', or ways of thinking, that will unburden our lives. His only foundation for that is Toltec history. That is not an issue, at all. However, this foundation of history would have been more strongly presented to readers if he could have referenced people either of Toltec culture, who have employed these Toltec principles, or even a study of either of those ideas, other than himself so readers could be exposed to objective and broad effectiveness.
Instead, we have example after example of Ruiz as our benchmark, when he does little to establish credibility. One salient example, when describing the Second Agreement (Don't Take Things Personally), Ruiz gives an anecdote:
I don't take it personally when people say, 'Miguel, you are the best,' [or] 'Miguel, you are the worst.' I know that when you are happy you will tell me, 'Miguel, you are such an angel!' But when you are mad at me you will say, 'Oh, Miguel, you are such a devil!...' Either way, it does not affect me because I know what I am. I don't have the need to be accepted. (page 30)
That's a great ideal, but this is not realistic. Perhaps you, like I, know a person (or have even been that person, ourselves) who has said 'I don't care what people think about me.' That line of thinking is ideal - they wish that could be true but it is not. Unless someone is a literal sociopath, someone extremely antisocial and lacks a conscience, this is not true. We are social beings who do strive to be accepted. By whom, is more debatable. Accepted, nonetheless, is not.
If not by one's family, then by their friends. If not by someone with the same identity and belief system or values, then by someone who accepts that person for who they are. If not by physical people, then by an online community. That's the word most people strive for: community. I think it's safe to say everyone has a need to be accepted. Even outcasts (think Horizon Zero Dawn) have a community with one another.
This break between reality and aspiration that Ruiz lacks to acknowledge is not a single occurrence. It happens several times throughout this book. Sticking with this salient example, this break interrupts and impedes my ability to immerse myself and my belief in the book's principles. That issue could be mitigated if Ruiz did one simple thing: acknowledge his principles, experiences, and opinions do not apply or reflect everyone.
In other words, Ruiz speaks very absolutely. He does not include the many possible nuances that may and do undermine his opinion. He presents said opinion as fact and does not engage the opposition, which would make his opinion much stronger. Although a different book and on a different topic, Getting to Yes does this very well. When introducing an obstacle in principled negotiation scenarios, the authors address many possible what-if's. 'What if the other person doesn't want to negotiate?' 'What if they use bad tactics?' 'What if...'. This fleshes out their theories and makes for an even stronger application because the author recognizes the situations, circumstances, and people are not as easy as it seems. A principle or strategy should be adaptable and inclusive of many different variables.
In comparison, Ruiz applies blanket statements to situations and people. "Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid. They are afraid you will discover they are not perfect," page 32. From this, we fail to address nefarious and self-interested people who lie to someone for their own gain or because they truly wish the unsuspecting person harm.
As soon as I took value in what was written, it would be underscored by a different point a few pages later. In example, "Then, if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad. And you are afraid because you are dealing with fear. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will get mad at me... hate me... be jealous or sad" (page 32).
Let me breakdown my line of thinking (my thinking is in italics):
'If you get mad at me... you are dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad.' Hmm, that makes sense. People act out how they are feeling internally. I've seen or been in scenarios when someone takes something out on a person that had no reason to do with why the upset person is mad.
'And you are afraid because you are dealing with fear. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will get mad at me... hate me... be jealous or sad.' Okay, nowww you lost me. What about scenarios where a person has intentionally or unintentionally hurt the other person. If someone borrows a sweater from me and returns it ruined, how is my anger or sadness a reflection of myself? It is sourced in the borrower's actions and neglect for another person's belongings. There is obvious and objective blame in that scenario. Same for more henious crimes, such as murder. If an innocent bystander is killed by a serial killer, would the innocent's family not have the merit to be mad at the killer? When party A does onto party B, does party B not have the right to react emotionally without it being party B's fault?
In other words, this 'If you get mad at me... you are dealing with yourself' can offer great liberation when one is is a target of an emotionally charged person and, without warrant, receives the brunt of the charged emotion; in other scenarios, when the emotionally charged person is the culprit, it can also be an excuse to victim-blame the targeted party.
Don't get me wrong, I try to find value in everything I read and there are good values in this book. But that's just it - values. These are aspirations, even, without a practical how-to. The very premise of this book is fundamentally changing what we say to others, what we believe (about others and ourselves), and how we act. Ruiz says how we act and think now perpetuates our own suffering ("Ninety-five percent of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies, and we suffer because we believe all these lies," page 12. Where is the footnote tot his 'Ninety-five percent statistic, by the way? No, where to be found.). Think about it, if we've been doing something that perpetuates our suffering for several years, it will be hard to change it in an instant. There are times when Ruiz agrees it will be difficult to change our habitual thinking (i.e. "It is painful to take that social mask off," page 32), and yet, still little to no help is given in this book. Big changes like these need equally big support. Support is not found in this book.
Ramiah Reflects
My New Favorite Life Quotes:
"Gossip is black magic at its very worst because it is pure poison" - Don Miguel Ruiz
"you will only receive a negative idea if your mind is fertile ground for that idea." - - Don Miguel Ruiz
"Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves." - Don Miguel Ruiz
"You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you." - Don Miguel Ruiz
"It doesn't matter if you are sick or tired, if you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself. And if you don't judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame, and self-punishment." - Don Miguel Ruiz
"On the other hand, if you take action just for the sake of doing it, without expecting a reward, you will find that you enjoy every action you do." - Don Miguel Ruiz
"Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive." - Don Miguel Ruiz
Questions to Ask Yourself (and answer!):
Is it possible to be truly separate from others' opinions and negative? Page 30
Do we really not need knowledge or to be accepted by others? Page 46
Food for Thought:
One thing that did truly stand out to me in this book is the idea of socialization. Most, if not all, the self-love and self-hate we have for ourselves have been developed over time thanks to norms set by our family or society. Even something as commonplace as body hair has so many connotations based on gender and nationality. It does not stop there, our very behavior and personality types have suited and been reflected by our socialization. A great quote from Ruiz: "We are so well trained that we are our own domesticator. We are an autodomesticated animal… we reward ourselves when we are the 'good by' or 'good girl'" (page 11).
Ramiah's Re-read When
Re-read when:
You need to awaken how you've been socialized
You want principles to strive for without the practical application to achieve them
You want a short read
See below for my book notes:
Check out my other posts and book notes here.
Until next time! Happy New Year!
Montana Houston
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